Day 1 .. 2 weeks and 4 days out

I know nothing about blogging, and don't really even 'get' this blogging concept. but, I choose to start this today in an effort to help along the healing process.
i am 42 years old and have two daughters, 9 and 12 yrs. two weeks ago, on sat may 16, my 51 yr old husband dropped dead in our kitchen of a massive heart attack. Literally, dropped dead. found him slumped against the cabinets. My older daughter and I were each in the house, on the same floor, around the corner, and heard not one peep. she came to me and said "daddy's asleep on the kitchen floor". well, that sucks, huh? don't know that i feel like filling in all the yucky details right now -- suffice it to say, my CPR and the wonderful work of the paramedics did nothing to bring him back to us. So, here the three of us our . . trying to find our way.

there's so much to think about it, which is why I thought writing it all might help. number 1 priority: my daughters. then, there's the house, money, the yard, the dogs, social security, picking up the ashes, learning how to cook (b/c my husband was the meal guy), writing thank-you notes, etc, etc, etc, and -oh yeah- taking care of myself.

i have an older daughter who is becoming quite 'teen-like' . . so she's not sharing much about her feelings. except on sunday, after a distracting day shopping with her cousins, she mistakenly said she had to "call daddy' when we got to the car to share her day. oops! forgot, he's not home anymore to answer the phone. well, that sucks too.

I have a younger daughter who never hesitates to say what's on her mind. some recent quotes:

daddy won't see my turn 10
when will daddy be back from his "vacation"
wish i stayed home with daddy
i don't want you to go to sleep, what if you don't wake up?
i can't go anywhere, b/c last time I went, something bad happened

she's the "poster child" for grief. so, that sucks too.

and, of course, i am afraid that something will happen to me. so, a new focus for me will have to be taking care of myself PHYSICALLY. i've never been a healthy weight or fit person. but i have to get a handle on it. its not about being thin or pretty, its about being healthy to be here for the girls.

Just to be clear . . i don't think life sucks in general. it just sucks right now. I am also so HUGELY BLESSED with a huge family (mostly in-laws actually), neighbors and co-workers who are true friends, a loving church family, and friends whom I cannot thank enough. we are truly surrounded with goodness in so many ways, and i thank god for that every minute of everyday.

so, one thing that has stuck in my mind the last two weeks, is that i am now a 'widow'. Really? it seems like such an old-fashioned word, and it shouldn't apply to me, but now it does. and do i now check 'single' on all the forms we fill out in life? well, that's weird. 'single parent' -- never imagined that applying to me, yet here we are.

i think that's all i can write for today. hopefully, using this blog as a journal will help me document memories, express feelings, and facilitate the healing process. i'm hoping that the four stages of grief will make an exception for me, and just skip me ahead to the healed part -- but i know, you gotta go through it.