exhaustion: june 10, 2009

God, I am tired. please give me the strength i need to wake up tomorrow, and get done the things that need to get done. amen


its been a strenuous week. i feel like i've been a bit testy with the girls too. yesterday, i met with the financial planner (thank god we've known him for 15+ years), and fortunately, things look not worrisome in that area. but i think i signed my name 100 times. and of course now i have to make sure i have a will done soon, b/c if something happens to me - and now we all know that could actually happen -- i need to have things lined up for the kids. for now, i am grateful, that we planned well enough that no big decisions need to be made in the next few months.

next appointment: tuesday afternoon : initial intake meeting with the counselor at the Loss and Bereavement Center in Skippack. I've heard so many good things about this place, and the services it provides. I was not disappointed -- but it was a painful hour. worth it, but painful. basically had to retell (and relive) may 16th. i connected with our therapist easily and am relieved about that. the girls and I go back together next monday -- oh yeah, except kay is refusing to go. do i make her? i'm trying to talk her into just going this one session, and then she doesn't have to back until she wants to. we'll see, maybe she'll warm to the idea.

on the lighter side, i can proudly say i have trapped and disposed of three mice now by myself (never thought I would need to do that!) . An end-of-the-year picnic for kay's girl scout troop brought me together with seven wonderful families that my children have grown up with . . and seven moms who wrap me in the arms and want to take care of me. it helps so much -- i truly can't express how much. the dads are great too, don't get me wrong, but there's nothing like a woman's motherly coddling to make you feel safe and reassured.

i am starting to get sick of people asking 'are you okay?' and 'how are you doing?' Believe me when i say that it does not make me angry, and i actually appreciate the concern, but really, what am i suppose to say? i would not want people to stop asking, b/c that would probably be the day that i need to talk . . i guess we just continue to appreciate the thought behind the questions.

exhausted now, need to get to bed . . .

blessings: june 7, 2009

i think i need to focus for a bit on what i'm thankful for, b/c my life is filled with blessings, but before i do that, i wanted to make some observations. i sat in church this morning, with my friends, and was surrounded by familiar and unfamiliar families. what's interesting is that church is not something bud and i did together. it was "my thing" with the girls. sure, he would come on holidays, or when they performed, but it wasn't a weekly thing.

so, i'm sitting in church and i'm noticing couples interacting, and i'm achingly missing a gentle arm around my waist, or leaning into bud's shoulder. its not the big things i'm finding out, its the little things -- the things that you didn't even necessarily realize were there til they were gone. another funny thing: i remember years ago when we had just our first daughter. i remember also looking around church at the families, and deciding that we needed to try for another child -- its how i pictured my family. everyone pictures their family in the future -- some just a couple, some one child, some four. i pictured a mom, a dad, and two children. I never pictured i'd be sitting here without the dad -- the picture seems incomplete.

well, that allowed me to shed a few tears . . i'm waiting for some serious mourning to set in at some point . . so, let's jump ahead to the blessings . .

blessings: june 7, 2009

I thought it might be a good idea to count my blessings, and really think about the many things I have to be thankful for:



i am thankful for two beautiful daughters and the beautiful music they played at their recital yesterday



i am thankful for friends, who came and sat through the very long recital in support



i am thankful for brothers-in-law who came to fix the computer, the lights, the door, the sink, the toilet, and try to catch the new family of mice i seem to have in my cabinets



i am thankful for friends who came to clean my dirty house -- thank you for a clean bathroom with new bathmat and shower curtain



i am thankful for social security - yes! social security! its nice to know the system is there to help when you need it



i am thankful for my dear husband -- who worked stinkin' hard for over thirty years of his life - not making as much as he would have liked -- but, without realizing it -- contributed enough to SS to make a difference in his family's life



i am thankful for bud's place of work, whose benefits package allows us to comfortably manage to continue health benefits in the coming months



i am thankful for the wonderful ladies and families i work with -- who have done nothing but support me through this



i am thankful for a job(s) that allow me choices and flexibility, so that i can be home with my girls



i am thankful for peaceful sleep each night




and i am thankful for a loving god and church family who keep me safe

Thursday, June 4th

Hello again. Well, we just finished another delicious meal so kindly and lovingly donated by good friends. We are eating well, I'll say that. Also, had a wonderful visit from one of "my moms", who has become a good friend. I'll say again (and probably again) that the generosity of people continues to overwhelm me.

The Loss Group at the middle school held a book dedication ceremony yesterday. Mikayla really was touched by it. She has decided she wants to join the group, and I am thrilled about that. The guidance counselor chose and dedicated a book for Bud: Chicken Soup for the Soul: Inside Basketball. Perfect!!

Erin has had a better two days. She had a busy evening yesterday : guitar group and girls scouts. She was a bit reluctantly to leave me, but she ended up having a really good time.

I'm so proud of both my girls!

I'm finding out that nothing about this transition is easy. I went to the pharmacy today to refill prescriptions -- apparently our coverage is no long active. HUH? I actually said out loud "that doesn't make sense, I don't know what has changed". DUH .... your husband died and they turned the insurance "off". After three phone , and a lot of questions, it turns out our coverage will continue (thank God for that), but will need to be retroactive to June 1st.
Tomorrow is the appointment with social security -- I certainly hope that I'll be writing good news about that tomorrow.

I also have the first step towards my own health tomorrow. Bloodwork to be done RE: cholesterol, with a follow-up appt next friday. It's been high -- hopefully, my diet and medication have knocked it down a bit. step 2: back to weight watchers on saturday morning.
It's time to take control~! (right?)

I'm wondering alot what bud is thinking right now. i think daily that i hope he is proud of how i am handling things: the girls, the house, the decisions. i think he would be.

Day 1 .. 2 weeks and 4 days out

I know nothing about blogging, and don't really even 'get' this blogging concept. but, I choose to start this today in an effort to help along the healing process.
i am 42 years old and have two daughters, 9 and 12 yrs. two weeks ago, on sat may 16, my 51 yr old husband dropped dead in our kitchen of a massive heart attack. Literally, dropped dead. found him slumped against the cabinets. My older daughter and I were each in the house, on the same floor, around the corner, and heard not one peep. she came to me and said "daddy's asleep on the kitchen floor". well, that sucks, huh? don't know that i feel like filling in all the yucky details right now -- suffice it to say, my CPR and the wonderful work of the paramedics did nothing to bring him back to us. So, here the three of us our . . trying to find our way.

there's so much to think about it, which is why I thought writing it all might help. number 1 priority: my daughters. then, there's the house, money, the yard, the dogs, social security, picking up the ashes, learning how to cook (b/c my husband was the meal guy), writing thank-you notes, etc, etc, etc, and -oh yeah- taking care of myself.

i have an older daughter who is becoming quite 'teen-like' . . so she's not sharing much about her feelings. except on sunday, after a distracting day shopping with her cousins, she mistakenly said she had to "call daddy' when we got to the car to share her day. oops! forgot, he's not home anymore to answer the phone. well, that sucks too.

I have a younger daughter who never hesitates to say what's on her mind. some recent quotes:

daddy won't see my turn 10
when will daddy be back from his "vacation"
wish i stayed home with daddy
i don't want you to go to sleep, what if you don't wake up?
i can't go anywhere, b/c last time I went, something bad happened

she's the "poster child" for grief. so, that sucks too.

and, of course, i am afraid that something will happen to me. so, a new focus for me will have to be taking care of myself PHYSICALLY. i've never been a healthy weight or fit person. but i have to get a handle on it. its not about being thin or pretty, its about being healthy to be here for the girls.

Just to be clear . . i don't think life sucks in general. it just sucks right now. I am also so HUGELY BLESSED with a huge family (mostly in-laws actually), neighbors and co-workers who are true friends, a loving church family, and friends whom I cannot thank enough. we are truly surrounded with goodness in so many ways, and i thank god for that every minute of everyday.

so, one thing that has stuck in my mind the last two weeks, is that i am now a 'widow'. Really? it seems like such an old-fashioned word, and it shouldn't apply to me, but now it does. and do i now check 'single' on all the forms we fill out in life? well, that's weird. 'single parent' -- never imagined that applying to me, yet here we are.

i think that's all i can write for today. hopefully, using this blog as a journal will help me document memories, express feelings, and facilitate the healing process. i'm hoping that the four stages of grief will make an exception for me, and just skip me ahead to the healed part -- but i know, you gotta go through it.