Holidays, uess?

Well, its been a while since I've written. I really felt like we've been rolling along here pretty well since school started. actually, i guess that's not completely true, b/c mikayla had a few rough weeks in there -- but it was a healthy mourning, although terribly sad. she has connected nicely with her counselor, and i am grateful for that support

so why do i feel like i'm falling apart now? its 6 months out . . and i hurt so much. i'm scared, i'm crying, i'm tired, i'm bored. is it the passing of thanksgiving and/or the approach of xmas? i try to be positive, and generally i am. i am surrounded with love -- but i'm so sad, i can't stop crying tonight. but in a way it feels good to cry. it seems like some anxiety and depression has arrived. a couple panic attacks, deep worry that i can't breathe, disconnectedness. i'm sobbing now. but maybe that will help. i've tried talking to god, and talking to bud. maybe more prayers -- i will not give up on that! i chose to write tonight, b/c this usually triggers tears, and i need to feel. i'm so sad. i don't want anyone to read this and panic . . this is just a bump in the road, and i will move on. just needed a few moments to feel sorry for myself and release.

shouldn't it be getting easier instead of harder??