"use you magic to bring my daddy back, you can do it, I know you can"
"can I ask one thing at xmas? can you still sign our presents from mommy AND daddy?"
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Holidays, uess?
Well, its been a while since I've written. I really felt like we've been rolling along here pretty well since school started. actually, i guess that's not completely true, b/c mikayla had a few rough weeks in there -- but it was a healthy mourning, although terribly sad. she has connected nicely with her counselor, and i am grateful for that support
so why do i feel like i'm falling apart now? its 6 months out . . and i hurt so much. i'm scared, i'm crying, i'm tired, i'm bored. is it the passing of thanksgiving and/or the approach of xmas? i try to be positive, and generally i am. i am surrounded with love -- but i'm so sad, i can't stop crying tonight. but in a way it feels good to cry. it seems like some anxiety and depression has arrived. a couple panic attacks, deep worry that i can't breathe, disconnectedness. i'm sobbing now. but maybe that will help. i've tried talking to god, and talking to bud. maybe more prayers -- i will not give up on that! i chose to write tonight, b/c this usually triggers tears, and i need to feel. i'm so sad. i don't want anyone to read this and panic . . this is just a bump in the road, and i will move on. just needed a few moments to feel sorry for myself and release.
shouldn't it be getting easier instead of harder??
so why do i feel like i'm falling apart now? its 6 months out . . and i hurt so much. i'm scared, i'm crying, i'm tired, i'm bored. is it the passing of thanksgiving and/or the approach of xmas? i try to be positive, and generally i am. i am surrounded with love -- but i'm so sad, i can't stop crying tonight. but in a way it feels good to cry. it seems like some anxiety and depression has arrived. a couple panic attacks, deep worry that i can't breathe, disconnectedness. i'm sobbing now. but maybe that will help. i've tried talking to god, and talking to bud. maybe more prayers -- i will not give up on that! i chose to write tonight, b/c this usually triggers tears, and i need to feel. i'm so sad. i don't want anyone to read this and panic . . this is just a bump in the road, and i will move on. just needed a few moments to feel sorry for myself and release.
shouldn't it be getting easier instead of harder??
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
a long time . .
wow! its been a long time since i've posted anything, and there's been so much. bud's birthday, family vacation, erin's bday, and more.
but today I write b/c I think i'm finally feeling the anger. i dont' feel mad at bud per se, but at the universe i guess. i had to leave a family last night that i've worked with for over three year, maybe four. i'm leaving them in good hands, but i'm just pissed off that it has to change at all. i completely lost it driving home
and tonite, is the nite before the first day of school; and guess what? its bud's job to pack the lunches - not mine. but now its mine. i will lovingly pack my kids' lunches tonite, but am angry as hell (and sad as well) that their daddy is not here to do it for them
life is good, but some times the circumstances suck.
but today I write b/c I think i'm finally feeling the anger. i dont' feel mad at bud per se, but at the universe i guess. i had to leave a family last night that i've worked with for over three year, maybe four. i'm leaving them in good hands, but i'm just pissed off that it has to change at all. i completely lost it driving home
and tonite, is the nite before the first day of school; and guess what? its bud's job to pack the lunches - not mine. but now its mine. i will lovingly pack my kids' lunches tonite, but am angry as hell (and sad as well) that their daddy is not here to do it for them
life is good, but some times the circumstances suck.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
vacation: stress or fun?
it is approximately 36 hours til vacation ! what a mixed bag of emotions! we have literally been counting down the days for the last 100 days. the problem is, bud was here for the first thirty days of the countdown, but has missed the rest. as i type this, i realize it has been exactly two months since his death. wow.
i approach this vacation with deep trepidation. i'm almost scared to arrive in dewey. it was such a tradition for us, as a couple and a family. bud and i spent many summers there before the kids came, and it is where i first met patty and craig, and really got to know bobby, dani, and mary. tradition #1: arrival early and lunch at the rusty rudder -- i think i will probably cry as i walk out onto the deck. it was such a powerful feeling of arriving there together and looking forward to the week.
tradition #2: greaseband monday night at the bottle and cork. to go or not to go? its a couples thing. its been the one night a year that i "let loose" and bud would take care of me. so, do i go and celebrate his memory and have a shot for him, or do i stay back ? don't know the answer to that yet.
tradition #3: taking the girls in the ocean. i'm a huge beach fan, but only a lukewarm ocean fan. daddy was the one who took them in the waves. hopefully, the uncles will fill this void for them
and all the others . . .
i approach this vacation with deep trepidation. i'm almost scared to arrive in dewey. it was such a tradition for us, as a couple and a family. bud and i spent many summers there before the kids came, and it is where i first met patty and craig, and really got to know bobby, dani, and mary. tradition #1: arrival early and lunch at the rusty rudder -- i think i will probably cry as i walk out onto the deck. it was such a powerful feeling of arriving there together and looking forward to the week.
tradition #2: greaseband monday night at the bottle and cork. to go or not to go? its a couples thing. its been the one night a year that i "let loose" and bud would take care of me. so, do i go and celebrate his memory and have a shot for him, or do i stay back ? don't know the answer to that yet.
tradition #3: taking the girls in the ocean. i'm a huge beach fan, but only a lukewarm ocean fan. daddy was the one who took them in the waves. hopefully, the uncles will fill this void for them
and all the others . . .
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
easier with time?
well, its true, it does get worse before it gets better. i thought i was doing so well, being strong, getting things done, etc. it's been a rough last week.
firstly, i have become the most scatterbrained person i know. i've lost my keys four times in four days. i can't find papers that i KNOW i put in certain folders. i went to the beach for two days, and didn't pack any underwear. Losing my mind? possibly . .
interesting experience last week. a very good friend's father died and an open house was held at her home. i knew no-one but the immediate family, but felt the girls and i should be there to support our friends. upon my arrival, anne's mother greeted me with a hug and "I guess we have something in common now". now, isn't that interesting? this 78 yr old woman and i have practically nothing in common (accept for anne), and now we are part of the widow's club. i just can't wrap my head around that. really? you're 78, and have teenage and older grandchildren; I'm 43 (as of sat) and have pre-teens living at home. but yes, you're right, we now have this deeply important fact in common -- we have both lost our husbands. we are both widows. we are both somewhat alone, despite all the people surrounding us with love.
i pretty much hung out with the kids most of the day (i think i was avoiding having to chit-chat with strangers). later in the day (I thought i had escaped w/out any major conversing), an older woman approached me and asked "hello, are you the woman who recently lost her husband?"
ME: well, yes, that's me!
Nice older lady to husband: "joe, come here and meet sue, she's the woman who just lost her husband"
are you KIDDING me??? this fact now defines me? i'm not trying to sound offended or angry, b/c this lady really was being kind, and wanted to offer information about a grief support group where she works in an effort to be helpful. but do you really walk up to someone you've never met, bring up this subject, and offere counseling? i guess people do, and i guess i better get used to it.
and just when you think things can't get any worse .....
the dog peed on our cable box and DVD player! yes, that's what I said. he lifted his leg and let loose. no, it did not work. no, it did not dry out and work later. luckily , the cable box was replaced without charge . . the dvd player is a wash.
FLIP SIDE: let's add to the list of blessings:
-- debbie and melissa: who helped me celebrate my birthday and prayed with me for comfort
-- patty and company: who continue to support me before i can even ask for what i need
-- my girls of course, who were determined to make my birthday special: presents, breakfast in bed, and a movie (although i would have preferred a day curled in a ball in bed)
firstly, i have become the most scatterbrained person i know. i've lost my keys four times in four days. i can't find papers that i KNOW i put in certain folders. i went to the beach for two days, and didn't pack any underwear. Losing my mind? possibly . .
interesting experience last week. a very good friend's father died and an open house was held at her home. i knew no-one but the immediate family, but felt the girls and i should be there to support our friends. upon my arrival, anne's mother greeted me with a hug and "I guess we have something in common now". now, isn't that interesting? this 78 yr old woman and i have practically nothing in common (accept for anne), and now we are part of the widow's club. i just can't wrap my head around that. really? you're 78, and have teenage and older grandchildren; I'm 43 (as of sat) and have pre-teens living at home. but yes, you're right, we now have this deeply important fact in common -- we have both lost our husbands. we are both widows. we are both somewhat alone, despite all the people surrounding us with love.
i pretty much hung out with the kids most of the day (i think i was avoiding having to chit-chat with strangers). later in the day (I thought i had escaped w/out any major conversing), an older woman approached me and asked "hello, are you the woman who recently lost her husband?"
ME: well, yes, that's me!
Nice older lady to husband: "joe, come here and meet sue, she's the woman who just lost her husband"
are you KIDDING me??? this fact now defines me? i'm not trying to sound offended or angry, b/c this lady really was being kind, and wanted to offer information about a grief support group where she works in an effort to be helpful. but do you really walk up to someone you've never met, bring up this subject, and offere counseling? i guess people do, and i guess i better get used to it.
and just when you think things can't get any worse .....
the dog peed on our cable box and DVD player! yes, that's what I said. he lifted his leg and let loose. no, it did not work. no, it did not dry out and work later. luckily , the cable box was replaced without charge . . the dvd player is a wash.
FLIP SIDE: let's add to the list of blessings:
-- debbie and melissa: who helped me celebrate my birthday and prayed with me for comfort
-- patty and company: who continue to support me before i can even ask for what i need
-- my girls of course, who were determined to make my birthday special: presents, breakfast in bed, and a movie (although i would have preferred a day curled in a ball in bed)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
post father's day
so much dying -- i mean, seriously, what is going on? many people don't understand the fascination with the lives and deaths of celebrities, but i can't helped but be touched by these stories. we've got gary papa, ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, harry kallas, michael jackson.
and then those who are closer to us: my childhood friend's brother-in-law, who was killed in a motorcycle crash last week, leaving a widow (married two years) pregnant with their first child. how do you work your way through that?!?!? a friend at church, who has given his talents and gifts to our children's program, is diagnosed last week with stage 4 lung cancer. what the hell is that about. two weeks ago he wasn't sick! he has four children under the age of eleven. one of my best friends' father died during heart surgery last week. enough's enough. i realize death is part of life - i get that, really - but why do i feel suffocated by it right now? am i more aware, more sensitive to all these stories, or is there some message here?
let's talk about father's day. the girls didn't even realize what day it was initially. (small favor). i considered skipping church that day, knowing Father's Day would be a main topic of worship and conversation. in the end, i felt it was better to face the day than avoid the day. the girls realized on the way to church (thanks to KYW) that it was indeed father's day. their mood was light, and we talked about how we were going to mini-golf with our cousins that day. this was important b/c mini-golf was THE father's day tradition with bud. they were looking forward to it. thank God for the Heck family, who continue to partner with us through this, including the young cousins who don't even realize the healing power they gift to my children. i was sad listening to the day discussed in s'mores sunday school and watched erin carefully. i could see her react quietly and privately, but she got through it. it broke my heart though. we celebrated bud by carrying through with the tradition; i hope we do it again next year. that evening, after the girls were in bed, i mourned for my children and this day. but it is what it is.
i pray for those who have lost all these loved ones, just in the last week, and ever. I pray for my friends: mariette, hannah, and eric who face their battles with cancer with grace and humor. and i pray that death begins to take a backseat in our lives for awhile, so my daughter doesn't have to say again "it seems like everyone's dying lately"
and then those who are closer to us: my childhood friend's brother-in-law, who was killed in a motorcycle crash last week, leaving a widow (married two years) pregnant with their first child. how do you work your way through that?!?!? a friend at church, who has given his talents and gifts to our children's program, is diagnosed last week with stage 4 lung cancer. what the hell is that about. two weeks ago he wasn't sick! he has four children under the age of eleven. one of my best friends' father died during heart surgery last week. enough's enough. i realize death is part of life - i get that, really - but why do i feel suffocated by it right now? am i more aware, more sensitive to all these stories, or is there some message here?
let's talk about father's day. the girls didn't even realize what day it was initially. (small favor). i considered skipping church that day, knowing Father's Day would be a main topic of worship and conversation. in the end, i felt it was better to face the day than avoid the day. the girls realized on the way to church (thanks to KYW) that it was indeed father's day. their mood was light, and we talked about how we were going to mini-golf with our cousins that day. this was important b/c mini-golf was THE father's day tradition with bud. they were looking forward to it. thank God for the Heck family, who continue to partner with us through this, including the young cousins who don't even realize the healing power they gift to my children. i was sad listening to the day discussed in s'mores sunday school and watched erin carefully. i could see her react quietly and privately, but she got through it. it broke my heart though. we celebrated bud by carrying through with the tradition; i hope we do it again next year. that evening, after the girls were in bed, i mourned for my children and this day. but it is what it is.
i pray for those who have lost all these loved ones, just in the last week, and ever. I pray for my friends: mariette, hannah, and eric who face their battles with cancer with grace and humor. and i pray that death begins to take a backseat in our lives for awhile, so my daughter doesn't have to say again "it seems like everyone's dying lately"
Saturday, June 20, 2009
One month out . .
It's been a little over one month. some days it seems like more, others, less. last week was ROUGH. it seemed we were all fragile: irritable, angry, quick to cry. this week has been better. the girls are off school, but so far have been kept pretty busy. we went to counseling on monday together. kay was NOT happy about it. but i'm really proud of her -- she went, and she tried. i don't think she'll go back, but she tried. erin wants to go back . .
wednesday was actually a wonderful day. we went to NYC with the drama club to see Shrek on broadway -- we really enjoyed ourselves, all together. (and i saw john goodman!)
laying in bed the other night -- i was thinking again of things to be thankful for, but specifically, things i was thankful to bud for.
1. the gift of his love for me. i know that sounds totally hokey -- but trully -- he so loved me. it was unconditional. bud's love was the epitome of loyalty, honesty, and acceptance. he loved every stinking flaw that i have (and there are many!) -- i never really understood why he loved me the way he did . . but i am grateful for it. he always told me 'he loved me more". i hope that's not true - i pray he knew that i loved him just as much!
2. the obvious gift, our beautiful girls. bud would have been fine not having kids. but, he wanted to give me the family i wanted. he fell in love with his girls. he was so happy they were girls! they had him wrapped around their fingers. he was so proud of every little thing they did.
3. the not so obvious : my in-laws. I know, many people think - really? well, bud gave me a family that is unbelievable. brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews who love me as a sister and daughter. a 'nana' who has made my girls her grandchildren in every sense of that relationship. coming from a small family, marrying into a family of eleven siblings, was more than a little overwhelming. but i always felt included and loved. i love and appreciate my own family, but it is my husband's family who gets me through each day with daily phone calls, chores around the house, and so many other things i can't even list.
wednesday was actually a wonderful day. we went to NYC with the drama club to see Shrek on broadway -- we really enjoyed ourselves, all together. (and i saw john goodman!)
laying in bed the other night -- i was thinking again of things to be thankful for, but specifically, things i was thankful to bud for.
1. the gift of his love for me. i know that sounds totally hokey -- but trully -- he so loved me. it was unconditional. bud's love was the epitome of loyalty, honesty, and acceptance. he loved every stinking flaw that i have (and there are many!) -- i never really understood why he loved me the way he did . . but i am grateful for it. he always told me 'he loved me more". i hope that's not true - i pray he knew that i loved him just as much!
2. the obvious gift, our beautiful girls. bud would have been fine not having kids. but, he wanted to give me the family i wanted. he fell in love with his girls. he was so happy they were girls! they had him wrapped around their fingers. he was so proud of every little thing they did.
3. the not so obvious : my in-laws. I know, many people think - really? well, bud gave me a family that is unbelievable. brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews who love me as a sister and daughter. a 'nana' who has made my girls her grandchildren in every sense of that relationship. coming from a small family, marrying into a family of eleven siblings, was more than a little overwhelming. but i always felt included and loved. i love and appreciate my own family, but it is my husband's family who gets me through each day with daily phone calls, chores around the house, and so many other things i can't even list.
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